my worldly philosophy.
Ok I’ve had some downtime to figure out what’s wrong with me. ?
Back in 1999 I decided to change the “Pi” of my life to the “Psy” of Vanna White. I wanted Real.
Pi, oh, you know…where “Wall Street, the Kabbalah, computer science, Go, number theory, and the most fascinating number in the universe” come together.
I thought, sure I can leave all that, I want something real, I embraced Vanna White philosophy. It worked for a while, but uh show me the money, never came. Law firms would hire me as a temporary worker with no time off, no invites to parties, no gifts of appreciation for several years at a time. I had silent tenure.
I thought this time was different, I was given gifts of not only appreciation but great thought this summer, even though I was just a bandaid gopher, never using one secretarial skill, except an occasional phone call. Then I was placed in a spot that had an opening but told I was not a candidate for it and also told some scary things about the person I would be working for. I didn’t want to go there, but that was the only job available for me. I would have to leave and there weren’t jobs out there according to my three agencies. I had been at that firm six months continuously, actually starting in spring of 2007, I had been swept up by other firms on the days this firm did not want me. I did silent tenure at another firm.
By end of 2008 I found out that I had pretty much worn out my PSY.
oops, the Silent Tenure thing
I think you can’t do this silent tenure thing for years on end. Its destroys you. Its says you are not good enough to receive their trust or work here as a family. I did not want to go through it anymore. There was no trust, there was nothing to gain but a temporary place, here today, gone tomorrow. Even 3 letter land’s 10% salary reductions and daily layoff threats that geekboy endures year-in and year-out have been my daily consideration. At least 3 letters made him an American citizen. Ok you are not welcome to our company for over 10 years but you are welcome to our country.
It’s not the most intellectual job in the world, but I do have to know the letters.
So, I understand when they make a mistake and everyone at home is throwing their shoe at the television set.
I’m really just a normal person.
I enjoy getting dressed as a Barbie doll.
I feel for the players.
Did I need to get back to PI?
And doesn’t everybody need to get back to PI?
In “Off the Record” Britney goes there:
“Do I know my life is wierd? That’s all I’ve ever known. I don’t see it as being wierd.
Anytime when she can dance, it is a spiritual experience everybody has a world they create around themselves.
Art is therapy, its like you are expressing yourself in such a spiritual way.
Sometimes you don’t need to use words to go through what you need to go through,
Sometimes there is an emotion that you need to feel when you dance that you need to touch on and the only thing that can touch it is when you move in a certain way.” –Britney Spears, “For the Record”
I totally agree. Sometimes I work for a firm that is in the NBC building and they give me a limousine to go home in. It picks me up where the paparazzi hang out for the stars. I come out alone and they start to shoot, pause for 1 minute and then shoot, shoot, shoot. Gee don’t you think if I was famous I would have security guards all around me?
Am I famous?
People always come up to me and say aren’t you famous? I say good question, I’ve never asked myself that. When I was studying design at FIT people were always stopping me, staring, making a big fuss. I was used to that several decades earlier when I first came to New York City, people working at McDonalds in Wall Street would not serve me, they just stopped and stared and said this is a joke right, where’s the camera. I’m a mix of people, yet I came before all them, so they look like me. Yes I got a best actress award in a Meisner acting school, I got offers, but I did not go there.
Paparazzi Stalker fan thing multiplied into infinity… Unimaginable
I had to remind myself what would it be like to multiply just one of these stalker/paparazzi/fan kind of experiences. I could never do what Britney Spears does. She really doesn’t get paid enough in dollars, maybe she does in spiritual dollars. I’m glad she’s charging more for her world tour, she deserves it. Its a trade off. She gets no privacy first hand and we get privacy second hand (via their smoke trespassing and beating us up everyday). Ooops do we get privacy on the subway, as this guy grinds his you know what into your coat; there is nowhere to move to there, there is no escape once you are on the subway you are on your own. Oh but imagine being able to sing and dance when you want to. I can’t even run my fan to help mitigate damage to my lungs in my apartment without my neighbor below me complaining about the noise. I have five layers of padding under the fan, unlike my landlord and overtenant I address concerns.
I love Bikram Yoga you can totally empty who you are today and trust what follows tomorrow.
I did Bikram Yoga everyday for two years for my scoliosis; I would do it again in a heartbeat were there money for it, they never would let me do the apprentice thing. I love Bikram Yoga you can totally empty who you are today and trust what follows tomorrow. People stare at me in class. A teacher once said its totally amazing to look at you, you are so there, its inspiring. Another teacher told me that I would never change my back by doing this. Six months later he said its changing, you have really worked hard, its so inspiring. I always think I am the last person they should look at, scoliosis, my feet when I have been forced to wear business shoes. Be grateful for the beauty people see in you.
Some times, in the morning, he would turn on the music and we would dance bikram yoga.
This guy has a Bikram studio in Williamsburgh, Brooklyn. I did a video for him so many moons ago, he gave me alot of free lessons in return. I guess I should go use those lessons. Maybe I’ll do another video for him. I first started Bikram Yoga in his studio. Some times, in the morning, he would turn on the music and we would dance bikram yoga. He’s an innovator. I was in Manhattan and saw a flyer for his business there. My first week at the studio a young woman came up to me and said wow, how long have you been doing this, you have the best body here. Now that’s inspiring. It wasn’t all inspiring, some teachers wanted my back to be straight and that was torture. The short of it, I get where Britney is coming from, sometimes your body has to move a certain way to go on in its journey. Its your temple.
Dr. Ibe and I talked about how I was a prisoner of the smoke whenever I am in my apartment. How I can’t reach the freedom I know I have, how it doesn’t matter what is outside me. People don’t understand how difficult it is to work in cigarette smoke. I stayed up last night until 5am working on my exhibits for court this morning. I spent the last three weekends working on them. Its hard. I can lose myself in work and then when I come to, my lungs are filled with smoke, my clothes, my hair and body. I am facing a great injustice in the court system; they are favoring the lawyers, they all act like little school boys and girls, whiny brats, yet my case still goes on.
“Angry with people for taking advantage of me and letting them go on for so long. But I have to move on with it and let it go.”–Britney Spears, For the Record
Last year I made $15,000 more than I will make this year. I live in poverty. I have to borrow in order to have basics. I only have a bed and computers and a few clothes. Geekboy gave them to me. Like I said in a previous post, I bring home $105 a day and a coat check girl brings home $175 a night.
When I think about all that happened in the last few days I feel good. I left that job. I wasn’t getting the right deal. Yeah right on official girl. They didn’t make me an official girl so I called it a wrap. I asked several times, I asked what I could do, could I get referrals or a resume. No, that won’t help. I wasn’t going to be considered for an Official Girl. It’s a wrap!
I knew it was all over, I asked a girl next to me if she thought the dollar bills I just received from JPMorgan were worth anything. Do you think I’ll be able to buy something with them tomorrow? I asked. The attorneys in their boxy offices looked up annoyed. Hey reality checks are cashed here.
Will Britney keep it together? For sure:
“What would happen if we just take a stroll down the street, we’d probably need security.
Doesn’t like victim.
I love to see people making the most of their situations and make something positive.
Normal is really different for everybody.”–Britney Spears, “For the Record”
Before I did Bikram I always had these stalker things happening to me. In the hostel in Manhattan I noticed this guy was staring at me, I left and he followed me out. I can walk really fast and I did. That night in my dorm we were all asleep. Someone knocked at the door. This girl from Sweden opened it. She let this guy in and he walked around the room and he found me and he was coming towards me. The girl in the bunk above me just started a rant “Who are you here to see? What do you want?” It was non stop. She stunned him with it. He finally left. She saved me. She was a stripper. The next day when I talked to security they investigated and finally they talked to him. He said he was in love with me and wanted to ask me out for breakfast. He came into our room about 3AM. Sweet or surreal, you choose. They chose sweet.
I moved into an artists’ loft in Williamsburgh Brooklyn and this guy wrote these posters that described something I had experienced at the front door, he was telling me to throw my keys in his window and other things. It was almost like Cinderella, he was looking for the other glass slipper. The mystic of age and youthful looks, deadly combination.
Law firms continued to refuse me my 10 years of tenure, irrelevant they said, though I had been the supervisor of a major lawfirm document production center. Loud tenure, silent tenure, what’s the dif? I continued to do modeling and trade shows and live off loans from my pension, a pension that is now gone thanks to Bad Karma Banks.
I wonder what will happen to me now. Geekboy says I’m here for you. I have to be here for myself. People always say you could be famous with the stuff you do. I could never sell my art, I’d rather support art. I am not worried, somewhere out there, real soon is a bartending job. Somewhere someone is looking for someone who can talk just about anything and listen to just about anything. Soon at a bar near you. (You would think I have no skills, right I have major certifications in java, lotus notes principal, network architecture, software development and I make the top score on all the law firm tests they give me, I was a state typing champ afterall, no I face prejudice for skin color and age, end of story, its nasty, real nasty.)
I’m glad Britney is doing her show, it picks us all up. I am glad she did the promotional “On the Record”. People can learn or be reminded about their own life from her words.
Madonna says for the record, “We do have control of our destiny.”
I don’t agree with that or “What the hell was I thinking.”
Because if we live in line with who we are, we are not thinking.
I’d be more agreeable to say What the hell was I acting out. Don’t most of us just act out our lives?
Isn’t our government acting out and don’t they need a Daddy to keep them in line? Who’s their Daddy?
Today Britney is the #1 Buzz of 2008 (Obama is two ranks below her).
The debut of her new album “Circus” makes her the only artist in the history of Nielsen SoundScan to have four albums sell 500,000 copies or more in their first week. The first single off of the album “Womanizer”, became Britney’s first number one single on the Billboard Hot 100 since her debut “…Baby One More Time”, almost 10 years prior. Britney’s sold more than 30 million albums in the United States alone.
This year the Britney Industrial Complex has added $125 million to the U.S. economy. Jennifer Lopez also known for her own industrial complex in years past writes on her venue LALive, “economy could make it hard for LALive be the life of the party.
Britney’s current world tour depicts her public meltdown and subsequent recovery in a stage show. Tickets start at $349.50 (“In the Zone” packages only cost $349.50 per ticket (times two, since you can’t buy single tickets), plus service charges, and give you the choice of getting a standing-room-only ticket or an actual seat) here.
For the record:
“Do I know my life is wierd? its all I’ve ever known.”